Sant-e-Claus

It was hailed as a brilliant marketing campaign, but Diana called it cruel and unusual. Did a company really have the right to change time-honored tradition? To rewrite the legend for their exclusive use?

She was appalled when the ads started to appear in some of her magazines last year;
In this day and age, why do we lie to our children? Flying reindeer? Elves that mass-produce brand-name toys? With the loss of the polar ice, how is it that Santa lives at the north pole?

She hated those ads which were meant to appeal to our reason. She hated them because half the population was sophisticated enough to agree with the premise yet stupid enough to not see it for what it was. They really thought Santa Server was doing them a favor.

Let us be the embodiment of Santa Claus for your children. We have the marketing data, and may know more about your child's interests that anyone except you. You set the budget and leave the rest to us. On Christmas morning your child's in-box will be filled with e-gift certificates from among the millions of gifts in our databases. You will share in your child's surprise and joy as you open each e-mail and choose to accept or even exchange the gift for another to be delivered to your home…

She thought back to last year when the oldest of her two boys had asked, "Mom, how did Santa get into the house to leave these presents? The biometric locks will only open for us..."

I stayed up and let him in, dear.

"Nuh uh, I watched the security loop from last night."

She was certain that Santa Server had somehow planted that question. At face value, she admitted, the company made a bit of sense. She just had a problem with tradition... her tradition, taking out of her hands and spun in a different direction.

To make matters worse, this year the company forced themselves onto her children with the most insidious marketing ploy ever devised. Santa Server produced a new "classic" animated Christmas special called "Santa's Last Sleigh Ride." It told a dramatic tale of Santa rescuing the last of the Polar bears and seals off the tiny piece of ice that supported the famous "North Pole" pole. Santa shouldered part of the blame himself for the receding ice and vowed to reduce his carbon footprint by e-mailing toys to the good girls and boys from now on. It never did explain how a reindeer-powered sleigh was a major contributor to greenhouse gasses but it was sufficiently easy to pass along just enough guilt to make him a hero with his green awakening. Diana thought they missed a great marketing opportunity by not putting him on some sort of brand name anti-depressant as well.

After the program ran, there were widespread reports of parents leveling with their children about Santa rather than succumb to the perceived blackmail by Santa Server. Diana almost counted herself among them but decided to hold off for the sake of her youngest son. He deserved at least one year of magic.

Diana and her boys had been leaving cookies of a different sort for Santa all year long inside their computers, it was time to make use of them.
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Hello, this is Santa Server; how may I help you?

Um, yes; I'd like to… sign up for…

Yes. I see you are calling from 555-4734, are you Diana Greenfield?

Yes.

And I seeee… you have… two sons, ages 8 and 6... one Sumner and the other Thomas...

Tommy. His name is…

Yes! Tommy. Thank you, that is important.

This is my first time…

Oh, yes Ms. Greenfield. We see that. Let us take a moment and get some more personal information which helps us deliver a most authentic and personal experience for the recipients of your gifts. Ms. Greenfield, we see that you are no longer married, but are you still dating a Mr. Richard Evans?

No! I don't see where that's any…

Ms. Greenfield, please. We just want to know who to list as the givers of the gifts you purchase. Santa, obviously; but maybe you would like to list others on some of them…

Doesn't that kind of detract from what you are all about? I can buy my son gifts from me…

Well, you got us there. Some of this info serves at a cross-purpose. Are you near your computer Ms. Greenfield?

Yes.

Good. Please check your email now. We have sent you some mail with a link that you are to click on. This will allow us to perform a very limited scan of your computer to ensure the correct delivery of our services through whatever spam filters you have, and to narrow the list of appropriate catalogs from which we will select the gifts. I see that you have not clicked on the link yet; would you please do so now?

Yes. I have to tell you, this whole thing is making me rather uncomfortab…

OK! While it is scanning, let me tell you about some of the popular services we offer. As you probably know, we don't perform any price markups on the gifts. We charge a simple flat rate of 10 percent on whatever amount you choose to spend on your gifts. Because this is your first time with us, we will allow you to add as many recipients as you wish for free. Usually, people take advantage of this by being nice to themselves. Would you like to be nice to yourself this Christmas Ms. Greenfield?

Well, yes. I mean…

Well sure you do! You can literally surprise yourself this year. Why not treat yourself to 10 or 15 thousand dollars of long deserved...

What? What makes you think I have that kind of mon…

Ms. Greenfield, come on now. We have your financial info right here. You are in the top eight percent earning range… as a doctor such as yourself should be. Most people spend about 2.2 percent of their income during Christmas but that does not include themselves. We are trying to change that and let you be nice to you for a change. Since you are currently not dating, that leaves more of your budget for your sons. They will be lucky lads with... say $3000 dollars worth of gifts for Christmas. Each.

You people are out of your…

Oh! I see your info is coming in now…

What makes you think I'm not dating…

Ms. Greenfield, I am so sorry. That was very forward of me. That did not represent the opinion of the company at all. That was my own carelessness. Ms. Greenfield, are you bisexual?

What?!

Well, we are showing a small amount of lesbian-oriented pornographic viewing as having taken place on your computer. Could that have been Mr. Richard Evans?

I… I don't know.

It's nothing to be ashamed of, Ms. Greenfield.
Ms. Greenfield?
Ms. Greenfield? You have to understand; we are simply ensuring the best service possible. You have to spend the appropriate amount of money on gifts this holiday; why not spend it through the best provider of gift services? We can only be as good as the information we have. We see that your mother is recovering from a double-mastectomy; would you like us to consider this in selecting her gift from you this year?

Ms. Greenfield?
Ms. Greenfield, deleting our email has no effect. You have already clicked on the link. We see you are about to receive a phone call from one of our competitors; let me tell you what they will do with your information…